Puerto Wal-Marta*

Felix Ano Nuevo. If you find yourself docked in Puerto Vallarta on New Year’s Day, forget going into el Centro. All the internet cafes are closed, and the only attraction–besides the empty hulk that was Planet Hollywood, which still features the handprints of celebrity/shareholders like Gov. Schwarzenegger on its decaying facade–is the Queso Pie at McDonald’s. Who’da thought?
No, stay near the ship like you’re supposed to. Sharkey’s got wi-fi for free, although it only reaches halfway to Deck 4. And to maximize your in-port entertainment, cross the street to Wal-Mart (and, if you’ve got a VIP card, the exclusive, member’s only Sam’s Club). The parking lot’s full of traficante M-classes and Cayennes, and all the cabrons are sporting freshly shined alligator cowboy boots in an orgy of colors that’d do an NBA expansion team proud.
* Update: my sister informed me that Bingoboy–who I knew only by his embarassingly enthusiastic announcements which regularly interrupted the poolside reggae band–calls it Puerto Wal-Marta. I cannot in good conscience take credit for this coinage.