Dear Sirs and/or Mesdames:
I recently purchased [Brushes/ Red/ a stack of legal pads] after it was featured [all over the Internet and newyorker.com/ Cannes/ in every author Terry Gross has ever interviewed]. It is with great disappointment that I must write to inform you that your [iPhone app/ HD camera/ notebooks] are defective and do not perform as advertised.
It's been several days already, and still your product has not produced a [New Yorker cover/ feature film/ novel]. What gives? I even watched the instructional [YouTube animation/ director's commentary track on Che, both parts/ Booknotes with Brian Lamb on C-SPAN], and still, nothing even close.
So I am forced to return your product, and I expect a full refund in the amount of [$5/ $26,000/ since I stole them from the office, the legal pads were free] to be paypalled to me promptly. Thank you.
Below: Untitled (with apologies to Olafur and his dad on that boat, William Anastasi on the subway, and Brice Marden anywhere), 2009