I See Tori Spelling As The Witness

When will E! stage a Jackson Trial-style re-enactment of the Paris Hilton deposition transcript? Because seriously, there hasn't been a 200-page, skank-related legal document this readable since the Starr Report:Q. Let me just take a step back because I didn't ask about what Val Kilmer had said about Zeta, if anything. did he speak negatively towards her? You might have said something. MR STEIN: She reported that he said she was a crazy bitch. THE WITNESS: That she was insane....
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On The Train From Tokyo

Around 7 o'clock on a crowded Sunday evening train away from Tokyo's destination-filled southwest side (Roppongi, Aoyama, Shibuya, etc.), a couple in their late forties/early fifties sat quietly in the car's corner seat. They were dressed, but not dressed up; he held a slim, pink, rather glossy shopping bag on his lap. They didn't speak, but just sat quietly and contentedly next to each other. When you know someone that long, that well, a silent train ride home is barely...
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All That And A Bag Of Chips

Who needs Vanity Fair? Sometimes a surefire pitch is just waiting for you on the side of the road: two Long Island women were arrested for selling hookups in the back of their hot dog truck, which they parked on the side of the Sunrise Highway. "'We've never seen hot dogs mixed with prostitution before,' Deputy Inspector [and aspiring screenwriter, who'll settle for story credit and a low-five option, I'm sure] Rick Capece said. 'There are so many jokes, so...
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Hey, It Worked For Kinsey

The must-have vanity project for 2005: your own biopic. Andy Towle reports that the NY Post reports that W Magazine reports that Bill Condon's developing a script based on a 2001 Vanity Fair article for Tribeca Films. The subject: Pepe and Alfie Fanjul, the socialite sugar overlords. Which makes sense, because that NYT article a few weeks ago about Castro stealing Pepe's painting seemed like such a brazen movie pitch....
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A Scene Starring A Former Next Door Neighbor

"Katie Hepburn was a great friend of mine," Ms. Bacall said. "Cate Blanchett had her mannerisms, expressions, everything." Oscars? "Don't ask me about the Oscars," Ms. Bacall said. "I don't give a damn about the Oscars." A young woman went by with a tray of crab cakes. "Hey, hey, why did you pass me?" Ms. Bacall said. "Where are you going? What are they? You got some nerve walking over there." -Actress, Legend, and former Hampton Jitney Spokeswoman Lauren...
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Yeah, Your Own Little Island Off The Coast Of America'd Be Nice Right About Now

David Nash, described by his mother as an "aspiring artist," seized control of Governors Island in New York Harbor yesterday and held it in the name of the Blue Tulip Party, at least until 6:40AM, when somebody spotted the pirate flag he'd hoisted on the island's flagpole. Being a non-cutthraot sort of pirate, Nash ordered the harbor patrol cops who arrested him to "Put [their] weapons down, and go in peace." He has been exiled, at least temporarily, to his...
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Eagle Scout shoots, kills atheist

Don't know quite where to file this. It's from the Detroit Free Press. [via The Revealer]...
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Manolo, Manolo, Manolo!

And I thought two was a trend. Manolos are breakin' out all over: "I have been feeling good lately. Monolo's got me on some new Zinc program and I am in week two of my Bowflex program." Manolo, [not] Nick Nolte's trainer/nutritionist/manservant "He can't sleep, so at 5 a.m. he takes his valet, Manolo Sanchez, to the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. They meet protesters, whom Nixon engages in repartee about ... surfing." Manolo, Richard Nixon's manservant "Manolo is speechless."...
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I See Alec Baldwin as Gandolfini

Today's Boldface Names column in the Times is a ready-to-shoot script for a Hemingwayesque short. The story: James Gandolfini, who's putting the Ernest H. in HBO, gets into character by putting the moves on...on the reporter for the New York Times. The whole thing takes place during a benefit at Elaine's. I'd shoot this myself, but I'm still too traumatized over losing my shaving kit last week on the exact spot where this love scene takes place. Think about it....
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Now THAT'S a Health Care Crisis

"As for her walking barefoot, The Doctor's orders are for her to wear Uggs or tennis shoes and it's just too hot for that." Uggs? Uggs??? You might as well bleed her to rebalance her humeurs. Mrs. Spears. [via Defamer, who keeps track of Britney's toilet footwear so you don't have to. Unless you work for InStyle, in which case, it's your job, and what your parents shelled out $140,000 so you could go to Brown for. They must be...
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I don't need no stinkin' Metropolitan Diary

INT - NYC Friday, 7:30AMA groggy mid-30's MAN with bedhead and a 4-day growth of beard crawls into the t-shirt, khakis, and flip-flops dropped the previous night along the trail to his bed. Alternate side parking.INT - CARSitting in his car, he figures, why not go to this Costco he's heard of, get those Pampers, that baby formula, maybe a rack of ribs. He crosses the 59th st bridge, drops into LIC, and pulls into the Costco parking lot. When...
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The Breakfast Club: IndieWIRE Edition

INT - A SCRUFFY CONFERENCE ROOM, LATE AFTERNOON One by one, the bleary-eyed IndieWIRE staffers stumble into the room, looking in vain for the bagels and coffee.JONNY LEAHANWhere's the spread? Who the f(*& schedules a meeting this early and doesn't order breakfast?No one even looks up. Managing Editor WENDY MITCHELL, facedown on the table in a slowly expanding pool of drool, stirs briefly at the sudden noise, but doesn't move. From this position, her jacket collar separates from her neck,...
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M Street, or DC Eye for the NY Guy

EXT. SATURDAY NIGHT - WASHINGTON, DC A WEEKENDING NEW YORKER approaches the entrance to Agua Ardiente, an "upscale," "hip tapas restaurant" on the "DC Latin circuit." He is wearing a vintage suede jacket, black cashmere turtleneck, black Prada Sport loafers with that silly little red stripe that he neverthless insists be cleaned with glycerine every time he gets them shined, and, embarassingly, the slightly weathered pair of Banana Republic khakis with the little black label carefully picked off the back...
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Advice for Shooting Authentically in New York City

Directors: If you are concerned when your writer proposes to populate your circa 2003 New York City streetscape with the following characters, please rest assured that these are not fantastical or implausible, but just the opposite. They are as real as real gets. 1) An older man in a yellowing undershirt and trousers carrying a large zither many blocks from the nearest zither repair shop or flea market. 2) A younger woman in an ever-so-slightly too-small Chanel tanktop and slacks,...
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INT - NYC PROMOTIONAL MERCHANDISE SHOWROOM/COPY STORE, DAY

A bustling Manhattan mid-day. A female EVENTS PLANNER, 30 years old, shoulder-length brown hair, Barney's Label sleeveless blouse and pantsuit, stands at a glass display counter. She shops for silkscreenable trinkets with which to reward attendees for an impending business conference. A mid-30's SALES ASSOCIATE with not-so-recently applied blonde highlights makes smalltalk as she retrieves digital clocks and desk caddies for consideration. SALES ASSOCIATE Do you like your job? EVENTS PLANNER Wha--? Oh-- sure. It's been so hectic lately. SALES...
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A Scene from Smoke

9. INT: EVENING. THE BROOKLYN CIGAR CO. [search for "9" on the page] ... AUGGIE (Harvey Keitel)Sometimes it feels like my hobby is my real job, and my job is just a way to support my hobby. ... Screenplays for You, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. [thanks to Lightning Field]...
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The Reel Truth: Getting Behind Behind-the-Scenes

Commercial production house Zooma Zooma is hosting The Reel Truth [Quicktime], a hi-larious, sodium pentathol-laced short film, set on the set of a commercial. My favorite scene is the one with the MBA client in it: INT - SOUNDSTAGE Accompanied by the ass-kissing PRODUCER, the suit-wearing BRAND MANAGER visits the set to consult with the DIRECTOR. BRAND MANAGERCan I look through the camera? DIRECTOROf course, of course. It's a little known fact that some of the world's best cinematography is...
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INT - KOREAN DELI, NYC - EARLY MORNING

An OFFICEWORKER wearing a beige dress and a thin, cream-colored cardigan talks on a phone while she gingerly picks up yogurt and carrot sticks. A MAN with bedhead and cutoff khaki shorts stands nearby, contemplating how many Diet Cokes to buy. OFFICEWORKER (on phone) ...On top of that, a woman quit yesterday. (pause) No, one you want to stay. (pause) No, she told them yesterday, you know, gave them her two-weeks notice, and they threw a fit. Then she said,...
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INT - AMPHITHEATER - WACO, TX

A pair of COMMANDERS-IN-CHIEF are having problems with their PowerPoint presentations, berating an INTERN. They proceed and address the troops. COMMANDER Where is MRS Company? CARLA and JANE look around sheepishly and raise their hands. COMMANDER Right. You will lead the all-important Operation Human Shield. Take the Burrito Guy with you. Where is MBA Company? Several rows of MEN in polo shirts (tastefully embroidered with the logos of their companies or Burning Tree C.C.) and Tasmanian gabardine khakis raise their...
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INT - NIGHT - BEDROOM

Returning from the bathroom where he brushed his teeth using his new toothpaste, Arm & Hammer P.M. ("Fights Nighttime Mouth!"), a MAN leans over to kiss his WIFE goodnight. MAN Do you like my minty fresh breath? WOMAN You HAVE no breath....
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In the cab this morning:

In the cab this morning: A veritable weblog full of unsolicited narration from the older, female driver. "I been driving a cab 34 years." "I used to race cars. I was 14." "The tourists come to see the matinee, but they can't drive." "I washed my car this morning, but I didn't need to. It's clean." "My friend died. Cancer. Yesterday." "He's a cabdriver 30 years. three sons and a grandson. He's so young." "And he just bought a new...
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