At last, the Hebrews have hearkened unto that voice in the wilderness, that great prophet who came down off the mountain.
Translation for the godless: The Times has a review of Ten Commandments: The Musical (“Val Kilmer IS Moses.”), which Defamer has been preaching about for days.
Figuring that Christian audiences are well known for embracing wild-ass reinterpretations of biblical texts [??], the producers of TC:TM VKIM went ahead and rewrote The Commandments: “‘Thou shalt not steal’ becomes the considerably less pithy ‘Don’t take things that belong to someone else.’ There’s also the interestingly ambiguous ‘Never lie about others.'”
Here, for your salvation in the Promised Land, are all ten of Val Kilmer Is Moses’s Ten Commandments, as revealed to me this morning while I was burning through a bushel of Crunchberries:
|God says||Val Kilmer IS Moses says|
|Thou shalt have no other gods before me.||What part of “Do you know who I Am?” don’t you understand?|
|Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.||“the taking of photographs and use of recording equipment is strictly prohibited [in the Kodak Theatre].”|
|Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.||Step 1: Instead of ass say buns, like “kiss my buns” or “you’re a buns hole”|
|Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.||No, I will not use a Crackberry.|
|Honour thy father and thy mother.||Dick Grayson : You can’t understand. Your family wasn’t killed by a maniac.
Bruce Wayne : Yes, they were.
|Thou shalt not kill.||ibid.|
|Thou shalt not commit adultery.||Inexplicably dropped from the original French production.
US production: Sorry, no kissing.
|Thou shalt not steal.||Don’t take things that belong to someone else.|
|Thou shalt not bear false witness.||Never lie about others.|
|Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, &c.||“rules for the press line: DO NOT ASK ‘Who are you wearing?’|