I See Tori Spelling As The Witness

When will E! stage a Jackson Trial-style re-enactment of the Paris Hilton deposition transcript? Because seriously, there hasn’t been a 200-page, skank-related legal document this readable since the Starr Report:

Q. Let me just take a step back because I didn’t ask about what Val Kilmer had said about Zeta, if anything. did he speak negatively towards her? You might have said something.
MR STEIN: She reported that he said she was a crazy bitch.
THE WITNESS: That she was insane. She was a bad person.
MR BERRA: Did he ever provide any specific things that she had done or was it just a general–
A. No. We were just like walking in the lobby of the hotel. No, it wasn’t the lobby of the hotel, it was the lobby in the boat.
Q. There is a lobby in the boat? [Paul Allen’s boat, anchored at the 2005 Cannes Film Festival]
A. It’s like a 500-foot yacht. It’s insane.

Q…Do you recall sending Rob and e-mail before this one?
A. Maybe. I don’t even remember.
Q. Okay.
A. That was the whole thing. I needed a dress– I mean, I needed jewewlry and a dress.
Q. You had a dress, though?
A. Yeah, I did have a dress.
MR BERRA [the questioner, attorney for the plaintiff, Zeta Graff]: Marking the next exhibit in order, No. 6.
THE WITNESS: (Witness yawns.)
MR. BERRA: We have to do this every day.
THE WITNESS: I’d kill myself.

Q. [In an e-mail about a Graff diamond necklace, publicist Rob Shuter] refers to it as the “biggest f***off necklace you have ever seen.” Do you remember receiving this e-mail?
A. Yeah.
Q. And you received it right around the same period of time?
A. Uh-huh.
Q. And then you responded back, adn correct me if I am wrong, “Love it! Zeta Graff will be so pissed.” Do you recall writing that?
A. Yep.
Q. What was your–what was the reason that you wrote that?…
A. Just paris told me — Paris’s maid Kula told me that she knows all the jewelry and she would, like, freak out if I was ever wearing Graff jewelry. She had said that at some point. And then wehn i told paris, I was like, “Graff is bringing jewelry over.” And was like, “Oh, she’s going to be so pissed.”…
Q. Okay. Can you read that back, Pam. (Record reads as follows: “Answer: Just Paris told me– Paris’s maid Kula told me that she knows all the jewelry and” –)
THE WITNESS: Not maid. Can you take “maid” out. That’s rude. She’s not a maid. Sorry. I don’t want her to think that I called her a maid. She’s not. Assistant.
MR STEIN [Hilton’s attorney]: A keeper.
MR BERRA: Now she’s not going to do any more housework.

MR BERRA: I believe that’s it. Just give me 30 seconds.
(Discussion held off the record.)
MR STEIN: We will stipulate that the original can be delivered to our offices and if not signed and returned–within 30 days?
MR BERRA: That’s fine with me.
MR STEIN: –it can be used as if it were signed for all purposes.
THE WITNESS: This is not going to the media, right?

pdf’s of the deposition and email transcript are available in the sidebar at tmz.com