When will E! stage a Jackson Trial-style re-enactment of the Paris Hilton deposition transcript? Because seriously, there hasn’t been a 200-page, skank-related legal document this readable since the Starr Report:
Q. Let me just take a step back because I didn’t ask about what Val Kilmer had said about Zeta, if anything. did he speak negatively towards her? You might have said something.
MR STEIN: She reported that he said she was a crazy bitch.
THE WITNESS: That she was insane. She was a bad person.
MR BERRA: Did he ever provide any specific things that she had done or was it just a general–
A. No. We were just like walking in the lobby of the hotel. No, it wasn’t the lobby of the hotel, it was the lobby in the boat.
Q. There is a lobby in the boat? [Paul Allen’s boat, anchored at the 2005 Cannes Film Festival]
A. It’s like a 500-foot yacht. It’s insane.
Q…Do you recall sending Rob and e-mail before this one?
A. Maybe. I don’t even remember.
A. That was the whole thing. I needed a dress– I mean, I needed jewewlry and a dress.
Q. You had a dress, though?
A. Yeah, I did have a dress.
MR BERRA [the questioner, attorney for the plaintiff, Zeta Graff]: Marking the next exhibit in order, No. 6.
THE WITNESS: (Witness yawns.)
MR. BERRA: We have to do this every day.
THE WITNESS: I’d kill myself.
Q. [In an e-mail about a Graff diamond necklace, publicist Rob Shuter] refers to it as the “biggest f***off necklace you have ever seen.” Do you remember receiving this e-mail?
Q. And you received it right around the same period of time?
Q. And then you responded back, adn correct me if I am wrong, “Love it! Zeta Graff will be so pissed.” Do you recall writing that?
Q. What was your–what was the reason that you wrote that?…
A. Just paris told me — Paris’s maid Kula told me that she knows all the jewelry and she would, like, freak out if I was ever wearing Graff jewelry. She had said that at some point. And then wehn i told paris, I was like, “Graff is bringing jewelry over.” And was like, “Oh, she’s going to be so pissed.”…
Q. Okay. Can you read that back, Pam. (Record reads as follows: “Answer: Just Paris told me– Paris’s maid Kula told me that she knows all the jewelry and” –)
THE WITNESS: Not maid. Can you take “maid” out. That’s rude. She’s not a maid. Sorry. I don’t want her to think that I called her a maid. She’s not. Assistant.
MR STEIN [Hilton’s attorney]: A keeper.
MR BERRA: Now she’s not going to do any more housework.
MR BERRA: I believe that’s it. Just give me 30 seconds.
(Discussion held off the record.)
MR STEIN: We will stipulate that the original can be delivered to our offices and if not signed and returned–within 30 days?
MR BERRA: That’s fine with me.
MR STEIN: –it can be used as if it were signed for all purposes.
THE WITNESS: This is not going to the media, right?
pdf’s of the deposition and email transcript are available in the sidebar at tmz.com