Cintra Wilson’s takedown of Victoria’s Secret in the NYT’s Critical Shopper column is more fun than a runwayful of pouty supermodels:
“Dream Angels,” according to Victoria’s propaganda, is America’s No. 1 fragrance, which makes sense in an obese nation with no self-control: it smells like an alcoholic Twinkie. In any case, shiny his and her gift boxes are an eyebrow-raising $69.
The lists of the beauty product names read like the erotic poetry of the loneliest admin in the office, a size-doesn’t-matter Ikea of sex fantasy–minus the meatballs.
Chug-a-Lugging Aphrodisiacs [nyt]
from: Beauty | Bodycare | Seductive Treats | Booty Parlor™
Dust-Up Kissable Body Shimmer, available in:
Punch Drunk Pink/Cotton Candy
Dont’ Call Me Honey/Honey
Cruisin’ For A Bronzin’/Cinnamon
Flirty Little Secret Firming Cream With Pheromones, Essential ingredients include:
Bio-Bustyl formula firms and tones bust
Androstenol, a pheromone, inspires flirtation, chattiness and romance.
Seduction Kit, Includes:
Light My Fire Sensually Scented Candle, 1.3 oz.
I’m So Sexy Lip Gloss in Peppermint Pink, .24 oz.
Don’t Stop Massage Oil, 2.1 oz.
Add Magic Lubricant, 2.1 oz.
Massage A Trois Set, Includes:
“Don’t Stop” Massage Oil, 2 oz.
“All Fired Up” Warming Massage Oil, 2 oz.
“Thrill Me” Massage Gel & Lubricant 2-in-1, 2 oz.
Melt Chocolate Body Fondue
Includes brush to paint flirty pictures, spell out naughty thoughts or just decorate favorite body parts.
from Beauty | Makeup | Lips | Very Sexy® Makeup
Perfect Lipstick, comes in [sic]:
l70-sweet release (rose)
l15-satin sheets (light rose)
l09-whisper (peach)
l76-slow burn (red)
l77-don’t stop (brick)
l75-hot spot (bright pink)
l69-stiletto (deep purple)
l68-beg me (fuschia)
l08-guilt free (copper coral)
l56-shh (coral)
l67-tease (mauve pink)
m12-sex kitten (plum)
l72-love bite (pink coral)
eb2-vip (shimmery rose)
m33-reveal me (raspberry)
l59-uninhibited (copper)
l60-dusk (bronze)
f31-sweet nothing (pink nude)
m54-vixen (copper berry)
l92-velvet rope (copper)
l53-g (gold)
l11-melt (mauve)
ll2-kiss me (pink)
m02-last kiss (red velvet)
Brilliant Lip Shine, comes in [sic]:
l75-randy (red)
ll5-quiver (gold)
ll2-posession (light pink)
l72-torrid (plum)
l67-steamy (mauve)
Lip Gloss, comes in [sic]:
m32-wet (naked)
l41-bling (silver glitter)
l68-hot pants (pale pink glitter)
m98-romp (pink glitter)
e35-password (peach)
e41-sex appeal (pale peach)
l85-intimate (pale pink)
f08-minx (raspberry)
f31-rumor (pink)
m36-passion (shimmer pink)
m46-hottie (plum)
ll2-kiss and tell (glitter pink)
131-hard to get (coral)
416-secret (coral/red)
l57-yearning (brown)
m22-lover (nude)
f36-ripened (lavender)
f58-pda (burgundy)
ld6-make out (hot pink)
l75-open invitation (cherry red)
l86-rock me (light coral)
Lip Liner, comes in [sic]:
l62-ginger spice (cinnamon)
m56-spice it up (spice)
m32-stripdown (hot cocoa)
l94-warm honey
f31-pink kiss
l71-sweet tarte (wine)
l82-nude plum
l34-foxy brown
m17-pouty pink
l68-funny face (hottie pink)
ld6-red light (cherry)
l86-slick coral
Lip Stain, comes in [sic]:
e41-quickie (brown)
d25-proposition (camel)
l86-nubile (coral)
l70-muse (rose)
ll2-celebutante (pink)
l72-unziped [sic] (plum)
Sparkling Lipstick, comes in [sic]:
l72-light it up
l54-on fire
l73-spotlight
l18-paparazzi
l39-limelight
l12-stardust
Sheer Moisture Lipstick, comes in [sic]:
m52-sensual
m54-body language
l71-sinful
m57-exhibitionist
m89-shy
m58-spontaneous
Lip Luster, comes in [sic]:
f12-strip
ll2-babe
f14-dare
l54-revealing
608-french kiss
e24-toy
048-baby doll
l67-tempt
l75-fired up
487-aroused
eb4-starlet
045-crush
from Beauty | Makeup | Lips | Too Faced®
Lip of Luxury, comes in [sic]:
l75-drop dead red
ll6-celebrity meltdown
l73-sex kitten
ll2-marcia marcia marcia
608-totally nude
850-runway red
Glamour Gloss, comes in [sic]:
e32-girls on film
ll2-material girl
l72-love bites
e65-strange love
from Beauty | Makeup | Face | Very Sexy® Makeup
Mosaic Blush, comes in [sic]:
f32-afterglow
f02-love life
f34-wild child
e41-pleasure me
h11-in lust
e24-good to go
Mosaic Bronzer, comes in [sic]:
f33-natural
e17-goddess
f05-touch of gold
There’s a few more, but I’m kind of worn out. I’m not 21 anymore, you know.